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May 15th, 2012

01:09 am - 23 Up The first part of '56 Up' just showed on ITV1, undoubtably one of the greatest documentaries of all time. It started in the early 60s interviewing a group of seven year olds (7 Up) and has followed them every seven years since, now up to the grand old age of 56. I first watched as a young nine year old for '42 Up' in 1998, and this is the third one I've seen. It makes me think what I'd be like if I were interviewed age 7, 14, 21, and what I'll potentially be like at 28 and upwards. And what a great idea for a blog post! So given I was born in September, let's imagine that they interview me at the halfway point of each year, which would be in the March. We'd have something like this: 7 Up - March 1996 I'm introduced as a spectacled, somewhat terrifyingly intelligent seven year old in 1996. I immediately boast to the interviewer that I can spell big words like 'compost', 'germinate' and 'astronaut', and tell you that 99 x 99 is 9,801. Footage of me playing on Street Fighter II and Donkey Kong Country with my brother, on the slide and swings at the local park, and maybe an action sequence of Dad picking me up from school and rushing us home in the car so I could catch shows like The Demon Headmaster and Dennis the Menace and Gnasher. What do I want to be when I grow up? An actor. I do it for fun in school plays but I'm always cast as the narrator because I have a clear voice. And then for seven years, viewers are left in suspense. Just what is this ridiculously chatty seven year old going to be like when he grows up? 14 Up - March 2003 Oh god. So the first thing they notice is the hair. What the hell happened? From short and perfectly combed seven years ago to an uncut mess in 2003. A clip of me jumping around the house to 'Seven Nation Army' by the White Stripes blasting out might shed a bit more light on things. It's soon apparent that any initial promise shown in the first installment has been temporarily put on hold, as Billy now seems to spend his days on countless internet forums and IRC chatrooms, as well as endless online conversations on MSN Messenger. My acting days had slowly seized up to a halt and now we were in the beginnings of the wilderness years, not really knowing what I want to do and sinking ever further into an essentially friendless, teenage pit of misery. But then... 21 Up - March 2010 Opening shot of a shorter-haired, much more confident Billy absolutely raving his head off to 'Riverside' or something, in a fancy Central London nightclub. He's got City Lit in the morning and it's 1am already, but who cares? Life is amazing and he's living every second. A fast cut montage of his second year at City Lit, devising with Mischievous Childhood, various nights out and lots and lots of swing-dancing, from extra work in movies to late night lindying to Rihanna. The hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, growing all the time. Essentially the most optimistic twenty one year old you could possibly imagine. Another huge seven-year-change. Completely innocently, he confidently believes that the friends he sees so regularly here in 2010 he'll be seeing for the rest of his life. 28 Up - March 2017 So of course we haven't got here yet, but this would be a wonderful wish. Some behind the scenes footage of Billy filming or rehearsing his latest smash play/TV show, before getting back home to his London house and kissing hello to Poppy, a young artist. He met her in the last few years - montage of Billy saying "I don't like girls" at 7, "I still don't like girls" at 14 and "Oh my god I really wish I had a girlfriend" at 21. Reflecting on how the 2010s saw a huge growth in independence after an initial wobbly patch in his early 20s, losing that youthful optimism soon after the filming of 21 Up. Leaving his childhood home, meeting the girl of his dreams and seeing his acting fantasy slowly become reality. It's taken a lot of work and you can see the bags under his eyes already, even at his still-young age, but it's all been worth it. 35 Up - March 2024 Some footage of the wedding, a whole five years ago now and the happiest day of his life. Well, until Chris was born. Billy sits by his wife and balances three-year-old Chris on his lap, and finds it hard to do the interview as his son simply never stops talking. All the time. It's like, his parents tell him, what he used to be like at that age. A few more shots of various films he's been in since our last visit. Then a bit of a twist. We see him teaching swing-dancing in London. After falling out of dancing for a while in his 20s, he eventually made a return and now teaches a whole new generation of lindy-hoppers how to dance. Footage of 35-year-old Billy utterly kicking ass on the dancefloor with Poppy is interspersed with 21-year-old Billy doing the same with others, fourteen years earlier. Chris watches on the sidelines, for once, speechless. In awe. 42 Up - March 2031 Alice. Now she was a surprise. Now six years old, she fidgets on the sofa next to a clearly awkward looking ten-year-old Chris, neither wanting to be on camera. We see Billy visiting his parents, now 63 and 64 years old and the same as ever. As is, ridiculously, his 90 year old Grandma, still dancing whenever Bill Haley comes on to the slight terror of both children and grandchildren...and amusement of the great-grandchildren. With the dance teaching continuing to be a success, began has the occasional foray into drama teaching...and indeed, at last, writing. His first book was published in the late 2020s with an autobiography coming out this year. But he's not stopping here as Billy wants to go into directing, and perhaps even writing the occasional screenplay or two? Poppy wonders when he'll finally begin to settle down. So does Billy. 49 Up - March 2038 'Hypnagogia' was released to all major cinemas in the summer of 2035, written and directed by Billy Hicks with a small acting cameo for old times sake. Although not quite as regularly as he did, he still teaches the dancing and continues to rock it out every night. Poppy fulfilled a dream a few years back with her own art exhibition in Central London. Chris, now seventeen, is planning for university even if Billy doesn't really agree with the £30,000 a year tuition fees. Thirteen-year-old Alice takes more after her artistic mother. Footage from his parents 70th birthday the previous year, attended by 97 year old Grandma. He remembers joking to her that she'll live to 100 and have an epic party, he's starting to believe it. Back when he was 21 he moaned about embarrassing family birthdays and how he hides in his seat as his family drunkenly disco dance to 70s songs. Cut to a shot of Chris and Alice similarly hiding as an intoxicated Billy & Poppy rave their heads off to Tinie Tempah's old-skool classic 'Pass Out'. 56 Up - March 2045 A montage of scenes from every episode to date. The Super Nintendo-playing seven year old, MSN Messenger-chatting fourteen year old, youthful raving 21 year old, cuddly romantic 28 year old, toddler raising 35 year old, book-signing 42 year old, not-so-youthful raving 49 year old...and now, at 56, Billy unexpectedly finds he's become a grandad. Just before Christmas 2044, Chris gave birth to a son at the age of just 23. Everyone was there at the birth, even Alice came down from her art course at uni. Another era in the life of Hicks begins. Billy has retired from frequent dance teaching now but still does the occasional guest class. Indeed drama teaching has been what's led him through the last few years, at, of all places, City Lit where he used to study. He's just completed the first draft of a new book, 'Won't It Be Strange When We're All Fully Grown' and hopes it could become another film in the future. Him and Poppy have now been married for a whopping twenty-six years, and still very much in love, even with his depressingly grey hair and droopy eyes. Poppy remains as radiant as ever with an impossibly dazzling colour of hair. He's convinced she secretly dyes it when he's not looking. He looks back at all the times in his teens and early 20s when he felt down, depressed and even lonely. Certainly no way could he have predicted the life he leads now when he was seven...possibly not even at twenty-one. But, as he always says, you've got to endure the rough to appreciate the smooth. Magic may not always be in the air, but when it glimmers, just for a second, my god grab it and make the most of it. His 104 year old Grandma agrees. ---- Er, yeah. That's the kind of post I make when I get far too carried away before bed. Goodnight. :p Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Malcolm McLaren - Double Dutch

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May 14th, 2012

12:08 am - A LiveJournal post. A unique LiveJournal post. Read on, you shall see. Haikus are awesome. I forgot how fun they are, to read and to write. You know what I mean? Five beats, then seven, then five. They come from Japan. We say 'syllables', but in Japan they use 'on', not quite the same thing. Funnily enough, you know where I first heard them? 'South Park'! Of all things. Not really much to add. Life is the same as ever, still at City Lit. And still with Wind-Up, we're doing our show again, at Roundhouse this time. But that's coming soon. 2nd June, to be precise. Should be pretty good. Hmm, just realized. Where's the 'kigo'? We need one! All Haiku's have one. A 'season' word. Like Spring, blossom, frogs, hot, or snow. Or in this case, rain. Ok, let's have some. Let's do this thing properly. Haiku plus kigo... Look out the window. The rain streams out of the clouds. And onto the ground. May we see sunshine? May we see blue skies once more? Please, may we see May? Instead, still we wait. A summer yet to begin. A sun that hides away. Wait for the heatwave. Wait for the world to glisten. Wait, just a short time. For summer will rise. 2012 will glow at last. Sun will shine again. Meh. Guess that will do. To be fair, today was fine. But rain is back now. Need to learn some lines. Go to sleep and wake early. Early for the Lit. And stop these Haikus. The reason I'm doing this? Procrastination. Current Mood: lazy Current Music: Blur - Tender

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May 13th, 2012

01:10 am - Write on Everyone - literally, everyone I know - is currently telling me I'm good at writing. Not just good, but really good. It's come as a bit of a surprise. Back in Summer 2004 the fifteen year old me wrote a fanfic titled 'Knighty Knight Mare', a crossover between (of all things) Knightmare and Chucklevision. I uploaded it onto Fanfiction.net, and, erm, it was swiftly removed for not meeting their standards, which somewhat put me off writing for a while. Occasional little stories followed, almost all of which looking back are hilariously awful and thankfully remained unfinished and unpublished on my hard drive. In early adulthood I ended up writing about half of 'Popping Stars' and little bits of Box Junction, even so I would never have called myself a writer. It was just something I did when I wasn't acting. Or dancing. Since 'One Last Thing's fantastic reception at the Cockpit in February, that's began to change. Suddenly all these silly ideas I've had in my head for years are finally being put onto paper - or if they already have, being rewritten to be even better. Case in point is an idea I first had way, way back at the beginning of 2008, following the lives of four friends through the first decade of the 2000s. This I revisited in 2010 and wrote a full early draft of it. But now I've revisited it yet again and given it a complete rewrite, to the point where, finally, I could actually see a play of this working. Something that stopped me putting it on two years ago was that I simply didn't have a suitable cast for it. It was during that post-Michievous Childhood but pre-Homegrown era, so I wasn't seeing any actors regularly and I didn't know anyone well enough to ask, or indeed anyone who fit the parts. In retrospect though I'm glad I didn't, as that early draft is pretty terrible - full of awful cliches, needless exposition and precious little, you know, drama. This has changed now and I have a potential cast and director, and I just took the terrifying step of submitting it to them via email to see what they think. I put it off for ages as every time I looked at the script I ended up tinkering with it, rewriting lines or adding/deleting others. Even just little word changes seemed to make certain lines better. It got to the point about an hour ago when I realised that if I get stuck in this endless cycle it'll never get done, so I called it a day for now, attached it, and my heart skipped a beat as it pressed 'Send'. It's still not perfect, and will inevitably end up being rewritten a million more times, but this is a huge step forward. Now to attempt some sleep and not have the damn thing running through my head! Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Plummet - Damaged

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May 7th, 2012

01:42 am - WKD weekend Whew. Brighton. Wow. So yeah, it was Dan's 23rd on Saturday and we boarded the train 50 miles south of London to a seaside town so familiar it's almost become a yearly tradition for me. I went there in 2000 and 2005 with the family, 2009 and January 2011 solo (for the hell of it), and my last time there was this time last year for the Brighton Fringe and a much-needed catchup with Becky. As ever, all those links point to the respective posts I made at the time. This time it was with a huge entourage of friends, not just Dan but impressively all the rest of the Wind-Up Collective plus honorary members Katrina and Emily. We are, of course, still in the middle of 'Drought Doubt' - more rain in the last month or so than we've seen in the last two years, probably since the November 2009 floods. The forecast for Brighton looked absolutely terrible, rain covering the entire city and freezing temperatures. But in actuality it wasn't bad at all, the most rain I saw all weekend was while walking to the tube station in London. Not too cold either, I've been in much worse weather. Already things were looking up for a weekend I really wanted to enjoy after such a troubled year for me so far. We walked to the seafront and had a go on the pier rides, the dodgems never ceasing to be awesome even at my age. Then we got an extremely overpriced 'tray' of chips for £2.25 (less chips than how many I get for £1 at my local in Neasden) and sat on the pebbles on the beach, playing the classic game of Throw The Stone Into The Empty Chip Tray. Watching the sea directly ahead, and the splendour of Brighton Pier to the left, it only really hit me then just how much of a surreal experience this was. I'm so used to being in London with them, on tube trains, red buses and black taxicabs, to be somewhere so clearly unlike the capital was a marvellously mad experience. Walking through town we found a shop selling sweets and soft drinks from across the pond, meaning only one thing - Vanilla Coke. I loved this drink during its all-too-brief sale in the UK when I was about 16, and it was great tasting it again in New York a few years back. Seeing the cans on sale I had to buy one, and happily the taste was just as great as I remembered. Some drinks in a pub by the Brighton Dome (112 Church Street, nice friendly place), a hearty meal at a Japanese restaurant (Ponpoko, ditto) and then back to the pub for more drinks (and cake!) before the meat of the night began. For the first time in a ridiculously long while, I was all-night clubbing! Those who remember my posts this time last year remember when it was rare for a day not to involve clubbing...2011 really was a non-stop party of a year. But since the last major clubbing night - my birthday in September - it's been very rare. A couple of nights at the end of term in December and March, but both were rather brief, one I fell asleep at and the other I didn't stay for long. A night out in Camden a few weeks back was great, but again we were only there for about an hour or so. This time? Over five hours. Thanks to a special Facebook offer we were all able to get free entry, and immediately we grabbed some WKD Blues and entered the dancefloor. And, well, during those five hours you pretty much had every major clubbing song of the last year or two really. Even so I was so struck at the songs I know really really well, and have been playing for over half a year, but this was the first time I'd actually been out dancing to them. Labrinth's 'Earthquake', Flo Rida's 'Good Feeling', Rizzle Kicks' 'Mama Do The Hump' and LMFAO's 'Sexy & I Know It'...all of which came out at the tail end of 2011, but just too late for me as by now I was back at City Lit and didn't have the time to go out anymore. Was fantastic to shake my stuff to these songs at last. And then of course the classics, 'Party Rock Anthem', 'Edge of Glory', and even 'Mr Brightside' still hasn't gotten old, us all bellowing out "I NEVVVVERRRRRRR!" as strong as ever. About 3:30am-ish, they played 'Without You' by David Guetta. "I can't win, I can't reign, I will never win this game without you" softly sings Usher as the song begins. "Without you". And the hardcore of us still left on the floor - me, Sam, Chris, Olivia, Katrina, Sophie, and of course Dan - put our arms around each other. "I won't run, I won't fly, I will never make it by without you..." No words, just that and the song blasting out the speakers, and time briefly stands still. It is one of the most emotional moments I've ever had in a club and I think I'm about to cry. I remember this time last year, during those early days, counting myself so lucky to have met these new and wonderful people. To jump forward to the present and see us all still together is just the most wonderful feeling in the world. I've had the song playing on repeat as I type this paragraph, and from now on it will forever remind me of them and that moment. A song already euphoric and beautiful takes on a new, even more glorious meaning. We stayed til the 5am closing time. Most of us by now had ran out of energy and were getting some deserved rest on the seats by the bar. I, briefly, had a final burst and went mental to the last song - Bon Jovi's 'Living On A Prayer' - jumping around and using it all up in those final few minutes. Well, when next was I going to have the opportunity? And then, erm, felt extremely ill for the next couple of hours as a combination of mad dancing and litres of cider, WKD and Vanilla Coke mixed in your stomach does not a well Billy make. We had breakfast at a 24 hour place by the seafront but I was too unwell to have any, instead I had some tap water and tried to rescue the voice I'd completely lost from singing & drinking all night. This bit was rather odd as while we're normally an extremely talkative and energetic group of friends, this was somewhat of a comedown and we instead spent most of this moment looking blearily, silently into the middle distance. I barely felt with it at all and definitely not myself, but was too tired to even speak. By the time we boarded the 7am train back to London we were amusingly delirious. Me and Chris for some reason started reciting the lyrics of One Direction's 'What Makes You Beautiful' in comedy impressions, everyone from Stephen Hawking to Woody from This Is England. I played some music as we sped through early morning hills and fields, and watched as everyone, slowly, slumped back in their chairs or onto the table as we began to fall into slumber. The last thing I remember is the end of 'There Goes The Fear' by Doves playing on my iPod. "Close your brown eyes, and lay down next to me...close your eyes, lay down"...and then I'm gone too. I wake up just as we're arriving at Clapham Junction to find everyone awake and chatting again, wondering how I went from me being the only one awake to me being the only one asleep. Dan, Sam and Katrina bid goodbye there, then I stay on the train with Chris, Sophie and Olivia to Victoria, our croaky voices just about mustering sentences. Hug, hug, hug, and then tube, bus, home, and sleep. Lots and lots of it, which explains why I'm now wide awake at 1am. But this isn't a problem as to my relief I have no City Lit tomorrow as it's a bank holiday! Instead I have another day to recover and catch up on studying, thank goodness. I'm remaining cautious but if more nights like that are to come in 2012, then this year might well end up being another of the classics. You've all seen how I haven't quite been the blissful optimist recently, but I've been rewarded with the best day this year so far and there surely has to be more to come. A rediscover of the life I once had and surely can again. Perhaps I'll never quite get back the hedonism of 2011 as I steadily grow older, but even if it is in a limited capacity, it's still here. And so are we. To quote an epic song currently in the charts...tonight, we were young. :) Current Mood: drained Current Music: David Guetta feat. Usher - Without You

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May 5th, 2012

12:34 am - Counsel facts Better a time than never to say it... I started taking counselling a few weeks ago. There are far, far too many parts of me and my life that I haven't been happy with for a long time now. The last month that I would rate 'above average', let alone good, was September last year. That of course started with Slick, continued with the first month of the City Lit course, included Hannah's birthday, my birthday, a Roundhouse photoshoot, and ended with getting our show a place in the Nabokov festival. October had an NYT reunion and a couple of nice catchups, but stresses developing in Wind-Up and general exhaustion with a busy life. Self-esteem, despite my efforts, dropped through November and plummeted in December. January and February had barely any notable nights at all, March saw me hit the biggest low yet in Canterbury, and while April was probably the best month for some time, good nights were still few and far between and it still hasn't returned me to the 2011 glory days. So huge credit to my counsellor who is helping me already. Nothing like what you see on TV - it's not them telling you what you should do, instead they listen to you - everything that you say - and show it from a different, better-looking angle. Every week I've been focusing on a different subject. After a basic introductory session last fortnight, last week saw me go into the depression and rejection I felt in 2010, after the dissolving of Mischievous Childhood, and my worries that the same would happen with Wind-Up and City Lit. This week I told him about losing Ellie to France, that low in Canterbury in March, and looked ahead to my trip to Brighton that's coming tomorrow. I really really don't want the same to happen again, this time I want to enjoy the evening and not let the weight of the world fall on me like last time. It's going to be hard. But not impossible, cus... Pro: Almost all of Wind-Up will be there, who I haven't seen for ages. Con: Oh my god, the bloody weather. A non-stop raincloud forming over the entire South of England, ironically just missing London and it means that Brighton will probably be one of the wettest places in the country tomorrow. Pro: It's Dan's birthday! Last year's was an epic night and it'll be great to have a much-needed party again. Con: It will be absolutely freezing. In May. Pro: I'm not at City Lit on Sunday, or indeed Monday as it's Bank Holiday, unlike the bleary morning trainride home from Canterbury where I was in both days for our end-of-term performances. I really, really, really want to enjoy myself this time and not have another wobbly moment. Not just for me, for the sake of my friends. No matter how freezing and soaking it is, if I have a great time hopefully everyone else will as well. Oh, and they announced the Mayor result. It's Boris again. Sigh. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Force & Styles - Heart of Gold

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May 4th, 2012

01:24 am - You Ken't always get what you want Voted for Ken, duh. Green Party second choice. Four years ago I voted for the very first time in the previous Mayoral elections, and Ken was my choice then too. The result won't be until tomorrow, but it's inevitable that Boris will get back in. Fair enough, Mr Johnson hasn't done anything majorly wrong and he wasn't as huge a disaster as I first predicted...but Ken's simply the better Mayor, and with the better party. Even so, Labour are currently storming the council elections across the UK and it's looking like their best result in years. Shame it's not a general election, really. City Lit is happily proving less intense than last term. It's still exhausting, but in a different way - we've been doing exam prep and reading through scenes for the showcase, a whopping 230-odd(!!!) were read in the last fortnight and we're now whittling them down to about 15 or so to fit into an hour. Our regular end-of-week sessions at the White Hart continue, and, erm, we've been getting even more drunk than usual recently. Need to cut down - not primarily for my health, but because it's costing too much money. Alcohol prices in London forever get more ridiculous. It's still raining. Endlessly. Every day. Today I shivered to the polling station in winter weather, and it's May. Going to Brighton on Saturday and it might not even get above ten degrees. The wait for change - good change - continues. Still, May the 4th be with you, etc... Current Mood: grumpy Current Music: The Strokes - Last Nite

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May 1st, 2012

12:48 am - Man-Uing Up Ok, moaning takes a brief respite - that was quite a lovely end to April in all honesty :) After a fun day at City Lit, I joined my Central friend Charlie to watch the Man City v. Man U match in Finchley Road. The novelty of watching a football match with a girl was fun enough, and while I'm not as a big a supporter as many others my gender, I still love watching the occasional match. My earliest memory of any game - shared by most people my age really - is the legendary England v. Germany battle of Euro 96, a perfect nailbiter to start on. It's definitely been the least active April in years, probably since about 2007. But when you consider all the ridiculously busy Aprils I've had since, it's not too hard to understand. And geez! I've still had the performances of 'Box Junction' at Camden People's Theatre, seeing my childhood idols Steps live, and of course Saturday's spoken word debut. May will simply be City Lit, City Lit, and more City Lit, and if I'm lucky some time in between! Better get some sleep if I'm going to enjoy the first day as much as I enjoyed the last of April... Current Mood: tired Current Music: Hixxy & Sharkey - Toytown

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April 29th, 2012

11:44 pm - Manning up In yet another month that has seen frustratingly little progression in the midst of a troubled year, last night came as a lovely little milestone. My first ever public spoken word performance. I'd previously shown an earlier incarnation of my work at a Homegrown open mic night, and at the first week of term back in September, but this was the first time it was let loose on an audience mostly consisting of people who didn't know me, save for my mum, Chris and some mutual friends. Twas at 'The Word House' in Bethnal Green, and despite a continuing horrific month of never-ending rain, the place was packed out. Rarely have I experienced a moment like it. "Please welcome to the stage Mr Billy Hicks!", applause, and there I am on the stage, bright lights shining on me, dozens of faces staring out. It's an absolute miracle I was able to do it at all...but not only did I complete it all, but it all worked. They laughed in all the right bits, I didn't miss out or stumble on any words...and the cheers and applause after I finished were utterly breathtaking. The whole remainder of the night, people coming up to me, telling me I was awesome. When I told them it was my first time, they couldn't believe it. So greatful to The Word House for letting me perform and hopefully this is the start of a new spoken word era for me. I finished the week today catching up with Ellie at her 23rd birthday, where she had a special announcement - she's moving to France next month. Yet again one of the best friends I've ever made moves away to a life anew...all decisions that worked out for the best, and I'm forever really happy for them (don't get me wrong), but...as a human being, I can't help miss them. It would be easier if new best friends were being created, but instead, out of the limited selection of people I see regularly, it seems to be gradually eroding and one by one they're disappearing with no replacements. I said goodbye to her at Old Street, my voice not being able to help slightly wavering. "Man up" she said, and hugged me goodbye. Intended as a throwaway, light statement, but a true one. Try as I might I get too attached to places, people and eras of my life, and to save me sinking ever further into a depressed stupor it has to stop. What do I do when City Lit finishes? What do I do when the Wind-Up Collective disappears? Can I take yet another 'new beginning', yet another group of people who I kid myself will be regular friends forever and ever - only for them, as most who've gone before, fade away after about six months? Or if I'm lucky, a year? To use a television-themed analogy, there's only so much you can repeat before you have to change the channel. "Man up". Hmm... Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Brian May - Too Much Love Will Kill You

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April 23rd, 2012

01:04 am - More optimistic version of last post Don't worry, I'm ok. It's just that impending, knowing feeling that my life is gonna change - nay, has to change big time this year...I feel my transition into 'proper' adulthood is imminent and it's scaring me a bit. Lots of exciting things still to come, and even though I'm up in less than five hours I'll try and be as optimistic as possible. Promise. The song I'm listening to right now is very fitting, actually. :p Current Mood: tired Current Music: Doves - There Goes The Fear (see :p)

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April 22nd, 2012

09:43 pm - A week of rain does this to me The situation is, basically, this. * From tomorrow morning, City Lit takes up my life again until the beginning of July. Hello again 6am starts, crowded rush-hour tubes and all-day fatigue. * I don't want to go back, but I have to finish this culmination of something I started all those years ago. * I've loved my chilled-out, relaxing Easter break but can't live my life like it. No one can. It's unfair on those who actually have to work or do something for a living. * Still no idea what I'm going to do from September. * I haven't seen anyone from Wind-Up in weeks. * Indeed I've barely seen anyone all Easter. What the hell's happened to me? This utterly sucks. Is this growing-up? Is this all it is, getting more and more world-weary until you lose any bit of youthful optimism you had left? From now on, is it just graduate, get a job, a house, a girlfriend, marry them, have two kids, work 30 more years, retire and then die? Is that it? Cus if so, I want out. Now. If not, I'm still waiting for a solution... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Doves - There Goes The Fear

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